how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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