my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
