I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
