Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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