I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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