this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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