Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
