Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
