Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
