Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
