im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize