I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
