I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
