Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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