Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
