don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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