sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize