now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
