then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
