I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
