The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
