I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
