should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize