I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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