singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
