I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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