Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
