You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
