my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
