RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
