Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
