I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
