wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
