I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
