he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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