if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
