I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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