I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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