you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
