Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
