Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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