Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize