Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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