So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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