They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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