Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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