i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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