I think I won the penis lottery.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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