Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
