my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
