It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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