my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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