did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
