Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my shit smells like andre
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
