i would punch a child for taco bell
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
