Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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