the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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