I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
