I'm gonna have a badass scar
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
