Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize