look no pants
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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