Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
